I figured I’d better write about this in the moment.
When there are tears streaming, my ear hurts and I feel terribly guilty.
There is more to this, but I want to share this moment because I want my children to read this and understand what they may feel someday. The beauty of blogging. Also, I have a few friends in the same situation or headed this way soon.
I took Mimi to a Personal Care Home yesterday.
And left her there.
The last thing she said to me was “Are you just dumping me here? “
I told her no, but I guess I really am. At least that is what my guilty, selfish mind feels.
There is a lot to having your mother or anyone in your house for a stretch of time. I am a pleaser, a hostess by nature, so I probably do a bit more than some for whomever is here.
Even my mother.
And my mind is always at work about whatever guest is here. Not sure that even makes sense.
The home where I left mama yesterday is not fancy, but neither is she. There are 6 other ladies living in the house including mama’s sister in law, and sweet lady caregivers there to attend to mama’s needs. Her needs are not that great, but she requires more personal care since she forgets sometimes to make it to the bathroom. She does not go to the bathroom during the night, so the morning care is the most she needs during the day.
The guilt is washing over me because I am realizing how tight mama and I really are. We squabble a good bit, but that is the way we are. We’ve had stretches of weeks over the years when we would not speak because we are both pretty hard headed! She and I have been together pretty much solo since I was born. Daddy was an alcoholic–a “sociable” one–but still a drinker. My mother pulled the load  for me. She put me through private schools and payed for all the shenanigans that following the crowd called for.
She always wanted whatever made me happy.
Now I take her out of my house and put her in the home of someone else.
I justify this knowing that she cannot live alone in her own home, neither can she afford to have 24 hour in home care. Mama is 91 and in really good health for a life of high blood pressure and now a tad bit of dementia.
She is holding steady.
My moving her is more for me– at least I think so.
When you are in my care, you are on my mind all the time.
Maybe I am thinking out of sight, out of mind? Not sure.
I feel the same way I did when I left my children with a sitter for the weekend. Â Is she having enough to eat? Did she sleep? My mother is tough, but she is old. She is depending on me to make the right decisions for her.
We had a glass of Chardonnay Thursday night over supper. I had been cluing mama to the move, but it did not set in until we got there yesterday. She thought we were going back to Crestwood, but we are not.
She is not.
This is another stage in life that is tough. It’s the last one.
We’ve always been happy girls, mama and me. She said “they’ve got to do better than this TV” yesterday. The set is a wood console tv that we probably had in the 70’s. I am headed back today if I can pull myself together, with her tv and cable box!
I appreciate your prayers for both of us.
Oh Mary Louise! My heart! I pray for your strength and peace and for Mimi’s comfort. That’s all I can say right now. I too am a care giver, a hostess, always in service thinking “what can I do? How can I help?” I know from experience (from my profession and close friends) that there is an adjustment period for all and then everyone is alright. Comfortable. It’s just change and the fear maybe of the inevitable? I pray you can make peace with your decision and that Mimi settles right in. Stay strong, sister.
Beautifully said ML. There will still be many more wonderfully funny or sad things to share. This blog will touch and help more than you can know at this moment. A hug to you and yours.
Oh Mary Louise, my heart just aches for you. I can’t imagine what you are going through right now. Engraved on your heart is all the sweet and real memories. Lifting the two of you up, may her transition blend into one of new found joy and contentment. Let’s hope for the best..opportunity blooms, and you will find new creative ways to get there. A wonderful trait and that is a gift you have my friend.
Prayers of peace for you both! Cried as I read this, knowing we are all headed there. You have done good, been the best daughter and friend she could have. Hugs as your journey changes again…
Oh Mary Louise, I am so sorry. I will keep you and your mother in my prayers. Please try to find a sense of peace. You are making the best decisions you can, for her and for yourself. It’s not always possible to know what is best, but all you can do is your best. I have a neighbor whose daughter had to do the same thing recently. It was very hard at first, but shortly her mother became friends with the other ladies and has a lot in common with them. I visited once and she seemed happy and adjusted. I will pray for the same for your Mimi. You are a good daughter and don’t let yourself doubt that. Love and miss you!
Mary Beth
Love you both. Can’t say much more now for I am falling apart for you and with you. More later.
Mary Louise, I did not have this experience with my parents, yet as a fellow care giver, I truly understand the emotional roller coaster you are riding. I will hold you in my heart and prayers. Both you and your mom are strong, courageous women having shown all of us how to live life fully, and y’all still do! This is a hard change, but is needed. I pray that Mimi will settle in quickly and that your heart will be at peace.
Linda
That had to be the hardest thing to do, but I’m sure that you had been thinking long and hard about your choices, and felt this was the best. I will pray for peace and understanding for both of you!!
Mary Louise my heart is breaking for you, but knowing you this new home will be good for her. My father is 91 too and I fully understand, but he has adjusted and has come to enjoy his new surroundings.
Prayers for Mimi, you, and your family
I am lifting prayers for peace for both of you. Yes, this transition is the hardest part about being blessed with a close relationship with our parents. The bad with so much good…. The days will get easier. You must take care of you in order to provide her with your continued love and attention. All will be well. The amount of care you have and continue to provide is exemplary. She is lucky to have you. Good job MLCH.
Strength and courage,dear friend! Guilt and shame serve their purpose when they keep us from shoplifting at the Walmart. And all the guilt in the world + fifty cents still won’t buy you a cup of coffee these days. God blessed you and Mimi with a special love, a closeness some folks will never feel. Because of that, you knew (in that sharp little mind of yours) that it was time. Your heart hasn’t caught up yet and it hurts. Prayers that God will comfort you in this challenging time.
I’m so grateful you and Mimi have each other. You’ll be visiting her, same as always, just a new address. Enjoy your visits and your time at home and in the garden. You are a good daughter and truly blessed!
Wow ML. I Cannot say anything that hasn’t already been said in all the beautiful comments, words of wisdom and prayers above…especially through the tears. You are a tough cookie as is she. I will hold you both in my prayers.
You have so much courage to share your heart. Have faith in yourself that you are doing the right thing. ♡
You are a good and thoughtful daughter. What little I know about you is you love your Mother. Prayers for you both.
This brought back painful memories when I had to make the same decision with my step mother. We were so close and it was a very difficult decision, but one we had to make. She was 89 and going through a lot of what your mom is, a strong mind, but failing body. After her third stroke she just needed more care than we could give. She was very disgruntled at first, but with time, came to love where she was and I hope your mom will too. Please don’t feel guilty. I did for a long time, but we need to realize that we have to make peace with our decisions and know they are made out of love and what is best for you both. It is so hard to be the single caregiver and now she has several that can look after her and hopefully she will love all the attention in time. Sending lots of love and prayers!
Sorry to hear you had to do this but I identify totally. You do what you have to do and pray. My experience was that no matter how much I did I felt some guilt. Could I have done more? This is just human. My mom adjusted though and felt more secure in the dementia wing I put her in. I could not meet all her needs. We had many sweet moments after that. God bless.
ML, your love, courage, strength and faith is what guides you. Your mother did her job well. She raised a good and faithful daughter. This journey we are all on called life keeps us humble. Memories are what keeps us sane. Prayers for you and your mom. Mary Hendrix
They said it all, dear cousin. You do the best you can and this is part of that best. How lovely that you’ve been able to have her at home for this long. She’ll be fine. You’ll both adjust. Use the people who love you for support. (And, wow, wasn’t Emily a gorgeous bride!)
Mary Louise, I am praying for you and for Emily. You’ve gone above and beyond at every point. Give yourself tons of grace, and trust that God is able to cover both your heart and hers.
Thinking of you, ML, and praying that you and your mom will quickly find peace and happiness in a difficult situation. I never had tthe opportunity to make such a decision. I know you have done your best and that is all anyone can ask. Enjoy your visits with your mom for as long as you can.
Mary Louise, this certainly tugs at my heart. You are not the first nor the last daughter to make these decisions. You have a caring sisterhood who walk this journey with you….but this path is for you and your mom!
You are rich with loving, empathetic friends! You both will adjust with each passing day….and y’all find more joy together again.
Yes, she was a beautiful bride….and you and your daughter’s heart are beautiful, too.
Been there ML, and still question it and feel guilty, while knowing it was the very best thing. And she is in such a small personal setting. Couldn’t be better! Know you have my prayers. The wedding pic is the one in my baby book, as your parents were married the day I was born. Love it! Hugs to you and Mimi
What a decision this must have been for you. Im sure Mimi will feel much better when she gets her tv!!! Mary Louise, you are an amazing daughter and I pray you both will find your peace each and everyday. God Bless
Oh Mary Louise you have blessed many with your courage to share your sweet soul, what’s in your heart , and on your mind . Being vulnerable is an act of bravery . Love you even more that you are digging deep and allowing others to learn and share from your journey. As women, there’s a ” time for all seasons .” As we mature ,we sense that we may just be walking similar journeys as other women. Some may be right behind you , others may be a bit ahead in the walk, for many reasons. Some are even walking the same journey at the exact same time . When we can put down all the barriers, we can receive the greatest blessings both teaching and learning with others. You are blessing others with this post and more then likely others will not only understand , but comfort and encourage you in return I walked that journey between 10-15 years ago with my mother. One of the hardest but now one of the most cherished times in my life. In her seventies, my mother went through every stage of dementia. Nothing prepared me for it, really. For some time I held mental images and those tapes you rewind that haunted me. They are imprinted in my very being forever now . During some of the beginning days , I had 3 active multi sport student athletes in middle and high school during those years. The massive responsibilities were overwhelming . During those years, as a wife and mother, I found my role as a daughter also very important. There were days that that was the only, or the most important role I played. My family also had much to learn . My spoiled husband , unknowingly added to the stress and pressure if trying to balance it all. Sitting up at night, during hospital stays, he’d keep calling asking when I was coming home . What’s for dinner? . I finally was pulled too much . God gave me just the right words at the moment I needed them one night . I simply said , I may not be coming home this evening because … we are showing our children, right now how to treat us when we are old and need them . That was all WJS needed to hear to get it . It wasn’t all about him , the kids or even me at that moment . It was about my mother that at that point in time needed me more then my husband or my kids I could not accept any added guilt . I had my own to deal with . We must wear different hats in our journey and this one will be very meaningful yet difficult. It will be an honor forvyou you’ll never regret . I pray you will have the angels you need during this time and that you continue to grow and share from your garden . As for guilt , I agree most of us will always feel some guilt some regret . You are an amazing daughter because like me you were raised by an amazing woman . She was your gardener that nourished you into the strong. brave and loving woman you are. As a master gardner Mary Louse , you already have the knowledge and the tools . Cultivate , plant , water, fertilize, weed and pollinate . At the end of the season you will reap the bounty with much fruit to share . Peace and courage to each of us in our journeys as women , as mothers, daughters and friends . â¤ï¸
ML, I’m sending hugs and prayers. It’s so very difficult to be in this situation, place, time, and you are making the best decision you can for you both-as I’m sure Ms Em would expect. Love to you and her!
My Dear Friend ML,
You know I’m here for you. I have been so blessed by the friendship of both you and your mother. These days will get better. We have to remember our plans are not always Gods plan. Your mother knows you love her and would never do anything that wasn’t in her best interest.
Love you Much!
Neesh
Mary Louise
I understand your emotions as I had the same turmoil in August when Michael went to assisted living. I was not physically or emotionally able to give him the best care. The decision was reinforced when they told me he need the top level of assistance,
I enjoyed being with him more that I was not faced with the daily living routine. We went out to.lunch and spent more meaningful time together. I hope Mimi and you can reach that balance in your relationship.
You need to take time for you. You have made the right decision. If you are not happy, no one around you is happy. And your Mom deserves a happy Mary Louise. You call me if you need to. I am here for you.
You are a giver, a caring one, extraordinaire… Your Mama, the same, and in the spirit of that care giving,, you now have the best interest of everyone to assure. You must first care for you, make a rational plan, and stick by it. I’ve done it; saw my Mama do it; and trust I’ve taught our precious daughter how to do it. May the peace of knowing our most powerful and gentle Guide will lead this plan and be there for strength and peace…
My dearest friend, we were young and our mothers cared for us. When the world of aging advanced their age and took the toll on their bodies we do the best we can with what we have to keep them safe, to help them socialize with others, provide the best care that they do deserve, and love them with all our hearts. Visit her often, fuss if you must, kiss her goodbye when you leave and call daily. She will always love you, no matter what. I love you both
ML…. with tears a flowing I pray for strength and peace in knowing that you have done the right thing for your mom. It’s the hardest decision ever. Thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable. At least you are close by and can visit her often.
Wow, what a beautiful love letter you wrote to your mother! And all of these beautiful women responded to your letter with such moving words. I am not there yet with my parents but I have watched you these last few years – closely – as you have loved and cared for your mother. With respect, love, generosity and honesty. My heart aches for you but I know it’s ok – I know you are making good decisions for your mom, for your family and for you. Love you and will keep you and your mama in my prayers!
â¤Kelly
Mary Louise, I am so sorry. This is heartbreaking to read. My family knows this pain. How wonderful that you have those memories of having Mom in your home! I send my prayers for you, your Mom and your family.
Julie
I’ve been where you are, and it’s difficult and perhaps that thing you thought you couldn’t do, but you will. Your mother taught you how. Even though my mother had dementia, some days she had more clarity than others. Each time I went to see her I vowed to be cheery, upbeat and have something fun to talk about. It didn’t matter what because mother didn’t remember it. Other times mother was difficult, often about nothing. If I knew I would lose my cool, I quickly said, “Gotta go, Mom! I love you! See you tomorrow,” and I would leave. No long, drawn out goodbyes.
It helps to get to know the other residents and their families. I knew them all by name and would include them in the conversations at lunch and ask about their children, even if they couldn’t answer me.
This is a difficult path you’re walking, but know you’ve done nothing wrong by giving your mother into their care. I’ve know people who’ve sacrificed their own health and sanity because they couldn’t let someone care for their loved one. Now that’s a tragedy! Your mother wouldn’t want that for you. No matter how tempted you are, never feel guilty or beat yourself up about this.
Let go of all the cross words you’ve had between you. Live her last days knowing you’ve role reversed. You’re the “mother” and the caregiver, and you’re doing what’s best for her, you and your family.
Wishing you all God’s Blessings,
Brenda
Hi Brenda.
As the months have passed it has all become easier for both of us. She has adjusted to the new home and has good days with the ladies who live there and mama’s caretakers. I pop in a few times a week to update the decor and freshen up her flowers. I’ve wandered to the outside, too—where there used to be hanging baskets probably from a daughter just like me–there are new baskets of ferns and flowers.
I know the other ladies who live there and surprise them from time to time with goody baskets and vases of flowers too.
I appreciate your words and comfort.
Mary Louise